Not Going Anywhere
by Banana Tooth
Summary: We get used to a lot in our business, but there’s no way to get used to this. Companion piece to Whatever He Needs.


**Title: **Not Going Anywhere

**Author:** Banana Tooth

**Rating:** T

**Classification:** Mac/Stella

**Timeline: **Shortly after the Season 2 finale

**Disclaimer:** I am in no way connected with CBS, the CSI Franchise, or its writers, producers, or directors.

* * *

We get used to a lot, in our business. It doesn't even faze us anymore to see gruesomely murdered bodies, to process blood-splashed scenes, to watch autopsies. But there's no way to get used to this. 

The landlord had discovered the boy and girl decomposing in a tiny closet while investigating the stench. I found a picture of them on the refrigerator, beautiful blond children with blue eyes and dimples. They had been six and four.

The mother had readily admitted that she had put them in there because her boyfriend was coming over, and never let them out. She had been staying at his place since before they died, or she would have cleaned out the closet, she said. She was apologetic for the _smell_. It never seemed to register that she had killed her children.

* * *

We don't say much as we wrap up for the day, almost speechless with disgust. As Mac and Danny leave, I glance at Lindsey, and she nods slightly and follows Danny out. I take a deep breath and head for Mac's office.

He's sitting at his desk, staring down at his hands, and doesn't look up as I come in. "Do you want to have kids, Stella?"

"Someday, yeah," I say, trying not to wince. It's something of a painful subject, because I had actually considered having a baby with Frankie.

"Claire and I were about to try. We'd talked about it for a long time." He's still staring at his hands, keeping his voice flat.

I hadn't known that, and I suddenly realize with a pang that he lost not only his wife but his children too. It doesn't matter that they hadn't been born.

"She was going to quit her job and try to find something she could do from home. She said she didn't want our baby raised by strangers."

He doesn't say it, but I know exactly what he's thinking: if only they had tried a little sooner, if she'd quit her job just a little sooner…

I go around his desk and set my hand at the base of his neck, kneading with my fingers. His muscles are very tight and he needs a real backrub, but I don't dare.

"Mac, I'm sorry." It's all I can think of to say.

After a while, he gives a little shrug and sits up straighter. "Well, who knows what kind of a father I'd be, anyway."

"You're going to be a great dad, Mac." _Look how you are with Danny and Lindsey_, I think.

He shakes his head. "I guess we'll never know. I'm too old for that now."

I laugh. "Mac, you're not that old. Lots of guys a lot older than you start families."

"By the time they got to college, I'd be in a nursing home."

"You would not." He's feeling better, to be joking about his age. I've teased him before, for being older than I am.

He seems to be loosening up a little, too, but now I'm tense, because I'm trying desperately to keep from thinking about what's in the back of my mind: what would Mac's and my baby be like? _We could have great kids, strong and smart._

I firmly put a stop to this line of thought, and I squeeze his neck and let go. "Let's go home."

"Yeah." He stands up, and to my surprise, he pulls me into his arms. "I don't know what I'd do without you, Stella," he murmurs against my hair.

I can't believe my senses. "Surprise" doesn't begin to cover it. I want to shock him like that, I want to tell him that I love him, but instead I just say, "I'm not going anywhere, Mac."

He laughs a little and lets me go, and we walk out together and get a cab. We go to my place first and he walks me to the door of my building. I raise my hand to his cheek. "Good night, Mac."

"Good night," he says, and waits until I go inside before he gets back in the cab, instinctively protective of me.

* * *

I go up to my apartment and call Lindsey. "How did it go?" I ask.

"Okay," she says. "I think."

"Same here," I say. "Are you all right?"

"Yeah. How about you?"

"I don't know. I think next time, you get Mac."

She laughs. "Next time, you get both of them. I'm taking Hawkes."

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

1. This is a companion piece to _Whatever He Needs_.

2. These two stories were inspired by Stella's line in _Charge of This Post_: "We take care of each other."


End file.
